I’ll probably delete this when I wake up.
I don’t normally do this type of thing, I don’t talk, not in ‘I’m mute’ but in a ”Are you okay?’ ‘Yeah I’m fine.” sort of way.
Letting people in scares me. Because once you let that someone in, you become vulnerable. You get a sense of weakness about you, and it terrifies me that someone can have that hold over me. This could be down to a few things, could be the abusive relationships I’ve been in, or something to do with my childhood or my parents, fuck knows.
All I know is I’m scared to let people in and it’s been like that for as long as I can remember. Just by talking through Tumblr, you may say that I’m a hypocrite, but something’s are easier written than said.
This year I let someone in.
It terrified me to the point where I was ready to run, and keep running so far away that they couldn’t have the chance to hurt me. Like I’d been hurt before. I could probably never say any of this to her face without stuttering, stammering and rambling about some random subject. My defence mechanism would kick in and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. It makes me nervous and apprehensive.
I first met her at my local gay bar and she came up to me, I assume drunk but since then I’ve seen worse. ‘I remember you, you threw a cat at me.’ Not exactly the best thing to say to someone at first but it definitely grabbed my attention. The cat story is for a different day before I ramble on about that.
I got her number and we started texting, getting to know each other, I invited her to parties and get-together’s and anywhere and everywhere. She was a mystery to me, and that enigma just drew me to her. I wanted to know more, I wanted to know her. I didn’t even know if she liked girls. Sounds stupid but my ‘Gaydar’ is practically non-existent. Anyway we texted and met up and so on and so forth and within a month I asked her to be my girlfriend. She pushed me away and said ‘Don’t be a dick.’ I then got out of the car and she drove off as I walked inside, confused for one and she still circled my every thought. She text me not long after to explain why she reacted that way. Understandable of course. But again I’ll miss out the details.
We started dating/seeing each other more often, till it got to the point where I saw her every day, and if I ever went a day without her, it wouldn’t be a complete, it would be an empty day. Those days when I could wake up every morning to her were absolutely amazing. I was never a morning person, I hated getting up before 10, but when you wake up to someone so beautiful, so ravishing that you wake up and have to pinch yourself to convince yourself that you’re not dreaming any more. Every morning I woke up next to her, no matter what the time, I loved it. Because I would wake and immediately smile. She became my world.
Then shit happened. People got involved, alcohol got involved. Rumours started spreading like wildfire to the point we broke up. We became distant and rather than us feeling like we were together, we felt like friends. At first, I agreed because I thought it’s just the way things went, you hear it all the time about relationships fizzling out, but you never really believe it until it happens to you. After just a couple of hours, I couldn’t get her off my mind. She was everywhere in my thoughts and I just couldn’t smile, I couldn’t pretend that everything was okay because it just wasn’t. I wasn’t complete.
Now these break ups happened more often, friends got involved and people were wrongly accused and she felt victimised to the point she ended it again. Now, I get that people may call me a fool for fighting to get her back. ‘Lana, you’re unhappy’ ‘You don’t need her’ ‘You deserve better.’ Who are they to say that? I was unhappy when I wasn’t with her, I was unhappy when I couldn’t see her, when she went home for a week. I was pining and I couldn’t hide it.
She told me, ‘Talk, let me in.’
So I did, at first it was the hardest thing in the world to do, to actually open my mouth and say the things I feel, the things I think and not immediately want to run away to another country. It was a massive thing in my life to finally relax and let go. I’m not saying the words flowed out of me, it took me so long to actually find the words. It was uncharted territory and I was terrified. But I told her what I thought and what I felt. I wrote letters, poems, texts…
One night, it was my sister’s birthday, and I woke up that day, not feeling myself at all, I went to work, I had no sense of urgency, no real feeling of motivation, I just woke up and couldn’t get going. We went out in the evening and I just couldn’t get into the spirit, I tried, I tried drinking more, joking even but it just didn’t happen. We left the club and I went home and straight into bed. I lay there for a couple of minutes, when my phone rang. It was her. ‘Are you okay? What’s going on?’
And that was it, I just let everything out. Every single thing that was bothering me, just fell out of my mouth. She listened to every word. I told her everything I’d been thinking and stayed on the phone until I was okay. I never felt so weak but yet I felt so protected, I knew that she genuinely cared and that’s a rare thing for me. I wanted to be my wife, I wanted the house, the family, the marriage, the kids, every single thought of my future was her.
Today, we broke up again. But I did it, and it’s so hard to type this, because I can’t stop shaking and my make up is running down my face, the alcohol and drugs don’t do anything but numb the pain.
I was tired of fighting, I was tired of waiting to hear what rumour would be circling next, I was tired of trying when I know I’m not good enough. I thought that this was the right thing to do, but how can you carry on knowing full well that tomorrow, you’ll wake up and she won’t be there and the day won’t be complete. Nothing will ever be the same because You’ve lost the one fucking person you gave your all to and all of your love and to know that it will never work just fucking rips your heart in to a million fucking tiny pieces and you know that no matter what you do you can’t change it. ‘Time is a healer.’ Well time needs to hurry the fuck up because I just want to stop fucking hurting. You just can’t stop loving someone. Especially when all you wanted was to be happy with them, with the house, the family the future together. I couldn’t give a fucking rats ass about what anyone says or thinks because you can’t choose who you fall in love with.
So I’m sat here, pouring my heart into this fucking post because I can’t think of any other way to express it. I can’t even talk to the only person I can talk to because I broke her fucking heart. And there’s nothing I can do about it because this is the right thing to do. But yet I can think of a million excuses why it can. Kidding myself into thinking, if we just do this, we can fight it, we can…just try anything, everything because at this moment in time I can’t imagine life without you.
But you don’t always get what you want. No matter how hard you try.
I’m still going to be there for her, I’m still her friend and I swear to the fucking high heavens if anyone fucking hurts her, I will have your head on a spike. She doesn’t deserve hurt. She deserves the ultimate love and respect. I want her to be happy. I want her to have her dreams come true. San fran, will be yours one day. And until that day comes, I will help you get there Ray.
- Plot twist: You actually have someone who thinks you're attractive, and genuinely wants to be with you.
Andrea Gibson (via superbunneh)
This.,.. THIS is powerful..